Nothing Really Matters When You’re Dead

Nothing Really Matters When You’re Dead
By: Taylor Hondos

Do you ever wake up and look at yourself? 
You decide to face the world alone.
You decide it is best to face it without fear;
That someone else could see the broken parts that create you.
Their voices might burn a hole in you.
Their voices may change who you want to be.
Nothing matters when you’re dead.
You see who you are on the inside,
And wish that it reflected who you were on the outside. 
You see yourself and think, “why can’t my heart reflect beauty?”
I do not see beauty; I see something else.
Something broken inside.
Something too damaged to show the world.
Nothing really matters when you’re dead.

I imagine the tiny men holding together my body, 
as I brush through my hair.
One tear, and the whole structure within me could fall.
Their ropes almost falter as I remember.
Why did I get up today?
Why do I try today?
Nothing really matters when you’re dead.
No one saw the cry of help,
When I felt lonely by myself.
No one said a word to see,
The girl inside me, crumbling.
I didn’t tell, I didn’t show,
Because nothing mattered when I would die.
That was long ago,
Today I wake in a different light.
Today I see that beauty doesn’t matter.
Beauty for who you are is deeper than any outer beauty.
Nothing really matters when you’re dead. 
Nothing really matters when you’re dead.
I don’t face mirrors when I wake up now,
I pass by without a glance.
I could walk outside without a trace on my face, 
I don’t need reassurance to see the beauty inside of me.
The tiny men holding me together are happy to be there with me.
They know to tell me that nothing really matters when you’re dead.
There is an aura that each person has,
But I do not see my own.
I rely on others to see it for me,
And what does it matter anyways?
Nothing really matters when you’re dead.
Nothing really matters when you’re dead, inside.

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